Am I Gay Test: Quarter Life Crisis Questions Answered
Hitting the quarter-life crisis and asking yourself, “am I gay?” is not as uncommon as you might think. If you are in your 20s/30s and asking yourself tough questions about your sexuality, I’m here to help.
Hi, I’m Chelsea Newton, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Queer Sex Therapist based in Denver, CO. I’m so glad you’re here 💙
My sex therapy clients in Denver, often want to know more about their sexuality. They come to me looking for answers about attraction, sexual behavior, relationship history, and uncertainty.
One tool that can be helpful in your journey is a gay quiz, which can provide insights and help you reflect on your feelings and attractions.
They say things like:
Am I just curious, or am I gay? 🤔
I’m in love with my partner/spouse and we’re straight, so I can’t be gay, right? 💔
Am I gay or just not interested in the opposite gender? 🤷🏽♀️
I don’t want sex with my partner/spouse 🚫
I wish there was a sexual orientation test that could tell me if I am gay or lesbian 🌈
**Spoiler alert, there is no “test” that can give you absolute clarity on your sexual identity, sorry.
Exploring Your Identity
Exploring your identity can be a complex and multifaceted process, especially when it comes to your sexual orientation and gender identity. It’s common for people to question their sexual orientation at some point in their lives, even if they initially identify as straight. Sexual orientation is often seen as living on a spectrum, rather than a binary gay-or-straight identity. It can take time to know one’s true desires and attractions, and there’s no shame in being a late bloomer. People may explore their sexual orientation through self-reflection, experimentation, and exploration of their desires and attractions.
How to Figure Out If Your Sexual Orientation is Gay
Exploring and understanding your sexual identity is a deeply personal and unique experience.
There is no correct timeline for exploring and understanding your sexual identity. I hope that the information in this post supports your exploration and/or understanding of sexual identity. 🌈
**But first, a disclaimer. Talking about sexual identity is complex. Anyone’s sexual identity is uniquely theirs. Sexual identities may be permanent or fluid depending on the person. Statements made about a sexual identity label or category should not be conflated to all people who identify within that sexual identity descriptor. Again, identity is complex, which I think, is really fucking awesome. Now, back to the blog…
In this post I will talk about coming in, coming out, how to know if you are gay, and how sex therapy helps people explore and embrace their authentic sexual identity. You’ve been doing mental gymnastics about your sexuality for long enough. You are sick of trying to figure out if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or just curious.
It’s time for clarity (and peace of mind!). I’ve got you.
I specialize in helping 20 and 30 year old’s explore their sexual identity, come out, and enjoy sex.
If you live in Colorado and want support, don’t waste any more time. Book a vibe check to get started.
Want to use insurance for LGBTQ therapy in Colorado? I partner with Mentaya to provide the best services at the lowest cost to you. Check your benefits today to see if you can get reimbursed for therapy with Chelsea!
Understanding Your Feelings
Understanding your feelings is a crucial part of navigating your identity and labels. It’s essential to recognize and acknowledge your emotions, whether they’re related to your sexual orientation, gender identity, or other aspects of your life. By doing so, you can better understand yourself and make informed decisions about your relationships, career, and overall well-being.
Understanding Sexual Orientation
Sexual orientation refers to a person’s emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction to others. It’s a complex and personal aspect of one’s identity, and it’s essential to understand and respect individual differences. A lesbian expert, for instance, may specialize in supporting women who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or queer. Understanding sexual orientation can help individuals navigate their feelings, relationships, and overall sense of self.
Finding Your Authentic Label
Finding your authentic label can be a challenging but empowering experience. It’s essential to explore different identities and labels to find what resonates with you. This process may involve self-reflection, research, and conversations with others who share similar views. Remember, your label is personal and may evolve over time. What’s important is that you feel comfortable and confident in your own skin.
Coming Out and Self-Acceptance
Coming out and self-acceptance are closely linked. When you feel comfortable sharing your true self with others, you’re more likely to experience self-acceptance and confidence. This process can be scary, but it’s often liberating.
Imagine sharing your authentic self with your roommate, family, or friends, and feeling accepted and loved for who you are. Your home, whether it’s an apartment or a house, should be a safe and welcoming space where you can be yourself without fear of judgment. By embracing your true self, you can cultivate a more positive and fulfilling life.
A Guide to Coming Out
I recently read Marlee Grace’s Getting to Center: Pathways to Finding Yourself Within the Great Unknown. If I’m honest, it wasn’t my favorite book, but it definitely had some gems ✨ If you’re looking for guidance on coming out, it’s helpful to first “come in.” Getting to Center shares Marlee’s personal experiences on what it means to “come in.”
Photo credit: Marlee Grace Instagram
Marlee’s exploration of queerness and vulnerability were so good. I thought of my sex therapy clients in Denver immediately. She talks about how coming face-to-face with her sexuality was a big part of her “getting to center.” The way she talks about being “in the closet” is what really got my attention.
She says that she thought being “in the closet” meant that you had to be miserable and hate having sex with your current partner. Which, for her, and so many others is simply not true. You can be in a loving, happy, sexual relationship and still be questioning your sexuality. Yep, it’s possible (and common).
When people come to me for sex therapy they do not say, “I want to come out.”
When people come to me for sex therapy they do not say, “I know I’m gay, but I’m in the closet.”
My clients come to me feeling absolutely unsure about their sexual identity. They say things like:
Something feels “off”.
I can’t stop thinking about this thing that happened with my friend.
I love my partner, but I think I’m attracted to someone else.
I’ve tried being with guys before and didn’t like it, so why do I want to try again?
When people come to me for sex therapy, they are scared to face these thoughts and feelings. They are scared that they will have to break up or get divorced. They are scared that the people they love will think differently of them. They are scared that they are not “queer enough” to claim they are gay. They are scared to ask the wrong questions.
How to Know If You Are Gay
In our society, it is assumed that everyone is straight. It is also assumed that we experience attraction the same way (we don’t!). This makes it hard to sort through the different forms of sexual, physical, romantic, and emotional attraction, behaviors, and identities possible. Gay men and other queer folx often face unique challenges in understanding their sexual orientation, dealing with societal stigmas, and embracing their authentic selves.
The questions below can be useful in considering your sexual preferences. I encourage you to write or draw in response to the questions below and see what comes up. The journey of self-discovery is shared among many queer people, who often face similar experiences in coming to terms with their identities.
Questions and Online Gay Test to Know If You Are Gay
Sexual Attraction Questions to Know If You Are Gay:
#1: Am I interested in being sexually intimate with others?
#2: Who do I want to be sexually intimate with?
#3: Who do I find sexually attractive?
#4: How do I experience feelings of sexual attraction?
Romantic Attraction Questions to Know If You Are Gay:
#1: Have I ever had a crush on someone?
#2: Who have I had crushes on?
#3: Who do I want to behave romantically with?
#4: Who do I want to experience romantic relationships with, including those who identify as non-binary?
Emotional Attraction Questions to Know If You Are Gay:
#1: Who do I want to be emotionally close to?
#2: Who do I feel an emotional bond towards?
#3: Who do I want to get to know better?
Navigating Same-Gender Attractions
Navigating same-gender attractions can be a challenging and confusing experience, especially for those who are unsure about their sexual orientation. It’s essential to remember that having same-gender attractions does not necessarily mean you are gay or lesbian. Many people experience same-gender attractions at some point in their lives, and it’s not uncommon for people to question their sexual orientation. If you’re experiencing same-gender attractions, it’s essential to take the time to explore your feelings and desires.
Sexuality is Fluid.
Meaning, it changes. It’s not set in stone.
In Coming to Center, Marlee talks about how as a person approaching thirty, it was too overwhelming to consider starting over.
It felt impossible.
It felt fraudulent.
Can I actually be gay? I’m married. I love him! We have a good sex life!
Marlee shares that she grappled with her sexual identity and attraction so often that she told herself that she was queer or bisexual. Which to be fair, could have been totally possible. (If you are grappling with Bisexuality, check out my post about it.)
Asking questions is one step in the process toward becoming yourself.
Like so many of my sex therapy clients in Denver, Marlee did not start to understand her sexuality fully until she began to make some changes,
“It wasn’t until I started dating women that I began to unravel everything that had happened in my past that I had ignored, pushed deep inside me, pushed back into the closet of my awareness (Grace, 2020, p.154).”
I help client’s unravel everything so they can stop doing mental gymnastics and get clarity (and peace of mind!).
How Sex Therapy Helps You Clarify If You’re Gay or Curious
I specialize in helping individuals in their 20s/30s get clarity on their sexuality. There are no “dumb” questions here. I’ve got you 🩷
Sexuality Counseling Helps You Gain Clarity.
You have a lot of questions, but not a lot of answers.
In sexuality counseling, think of me as your living Google search engine for all sexuality and sex related questions. Now, to be clear, I do not have ALL the answers.
However, I’m a licensed therapist who has a master’s in human sexuality and my own lived experience as a queer person. This makes me uniquely qualified to help you.
In sex therapy, you can ask all the scary, edgy questions and I will respond with care and respect. I’m not here to judge you or the feelings of confusion you are trying to manage. I am simply here to witness your complexity and help you sort things out.
⬆️You. ⬆️Me.
So helpful, right?!
If you are seeking support related to sexual identity, I can help.
As a sex and sexuality therapist in Colorado, I specialize in helping people sort through their thoughts, feelings, and experiences around sex and sexuality.
I help my sex therapy clients “land” somewhere that feels good to them. I help my clients authentically embrace their sexual identity and experience (queer) joy! 🌈 Support for LGBT people is crucial in their journey to self-discovery.
Vibe checks are always free and are meant to be a no pressure situation. I want you to feel good about therapy. So, let’s see if we vibe!
Seeking LGBTQ+ Affirming Sex Therapy in Colorado
If you’re an LGBTQ+ individual living in Colorado, seeking LGBTQ+ affirming sex therapy can be an excellent way to navigate your sexual orientation and gender identity. LGBTQ+ affirming sex therapy is a type of therapy that is specifically designed to support LGBTQ+ individuals in their journey of self-discovery and identity formation. As a sex therapist, I can help you explore your desires and attractions, navigate same-gender attractions, and work through any challenges or concerns you may have related to your sexual orientation or gender identity. When seeking LGBTQ+ affirming sex therapy in Colorado, it’s essential to find a therapist who is knowledgeable and experienced in working with LGBTQ+ individuals.
